10.15.2012

Dropping Some Honesty on You

Do you ever feel like something is just off balance?  Like, to look at your life from the outside it is totally awesome, but from the inside, you feel like something is awry.  Maybe you're sensing the end of something.  Maybe you made a bad decision.  Maybe it's you- your emotions are just on overdrive.  That's how I have felt for the last few days.  A little empty.  Where joy and excitement should be there is nothing.  I don't feel sad.  Maybe a little unsure.  The only unhappiness I feel stems from the fear of the nothingness.  It's a weird feeling that I don't think I am explaining very well. 

My life is in a really good place right now. 

I have a job I love more than any job I have ever had.  I am excited about the opportunities it may bring and the paths my future career can take.  I have uncovered a passion and I get to do it for a living. 

I have an amazing boyfriend.  He is driven and passionate and a natural leader.  Watching him in action, it's hard not to be proud of all the things he takes on and excels at.  I am in love with a very handsome man!  He puts up with me and that's all I can ask for, however, it is hard being away from him.  He gives me confidence.  He pushes me to do the things I am nervous about.  He was an incredible support when I made the decision to transplant my life to California, even if it meant leaving him in Arizona.  He helps me to be the best version of myself and makes my day so much better.  Our phone calls and Facetime aren't nearly enough. 

I love where I live.  Everyday I find a new reason to love it.  Aside from the traffic, I can't complain about a thing.  Sometimes it doesn't feel real that this is my life.  My only complaint is that I miss my friends. 

I'm still adjusting to the move.  It's been harder than I expected to meet people (not made any easier by my constant battle with shyness).  Maybe I'm just lonely.  I don't know, I'm just a little empty, more anxious than usual and not quite the bad ass that I want to be.

In typical Ashley fashion, I let myself wallow in the nothingness for a day or so until the emptiness started suffocating me, and then crafted a plan.  It's time to start marking things off my bucket list and doing things out of my comfort zone.  Per the boyfriends suggestion, I went to see a movie... alone.  And saw Brad Garrett there with his kids.  I laughed (Pitch Perfect is pretty funny) and I ended my day reading on the beach while the sun set.  It's no monumental step, but it's a step. 

I think it's important to admit that even when everything looks great, sometimes something just isn't.  I think it's okay to ask for help, get a swift kick in the arse, challenge yourself and be honest about how you feel. 

So there it is, my next challenge: be honest about how hard life is even when it looks great.  Do you ever feel a little empty?  How do you get over it?

5 comments:

Waking Up To This..... said...

What job do you have girl? And you are just adjusting to your new life. You are a great person and everything will work out amazingly for you!

Holly said...

Do you think these are just adjustment pains? I can imagine that moving away from friends and loved ones is very difficult. But I love that you're recognizing how you're feeling, allowing yourself to feel it and making a plan to change it. All you can do is try, and I think going to a movie solo and reading on the beach is great progress. You'll get there, woman! Small victories :)

Casey said...

I think it is hard to meet people/friends as adults. I think that's one reason so many people like blogging. When I was younger I figured all adult lives were like the TV show Friends, but mine at least isn't like that at all. Good luck with the adjustment :)

Treasure Tromp said...

it's okay to feel a little empty sometimes! meeting people is hard, but it will come.

JKT said...

Thanks for sharing such an honest post! I know EXACTLY what you mean and think I've felt a lot of the same feelings. Like others have said- transition is tough but you are a strong lady and you'll get through it! It's hard when everything is SO RIGHT but something just isn't clicking. Can't wait to hear how you're doing and how things are coming together.