1.15.2013

What's Been Weighing Me Down

Source

I was a very thin, healthy and athletic kid.  I even had some success with modeling, although, I was always told I should try and lose a few pounds.  I danced during every waking hour that I wasn't at school and I ate crap.  It didn't matter to me because I never gained a pound.  On competition days, I would have my grandmother bring me a Chicken Nuggets Family Meal from McDonalds.  I would put back both large french fries, all 20 nuggets and both cokes and then ask to stop for ice cream on the way home.  But then I got older.  Injuries plagued me and eventually I couldn't keep up with the activity I loved.  Unfortunately my diet didn't change.

I was off to college where I drank a days worth of calories 4 out of 7 nights a week and ate a diet of pasta with cream sauces, fried chicken sandwiches, Ramen Noodles, and anything they served at "Fat Kids" (the name we lovingly called the campus dining hall).  I walked around campus and even managed to fit in a few workout classes for credit, but that was the beginning of my weight struggle. I would crash diet before formals and my weight yo-yo'd a lot.

After college the walking stopped, the required workout classes stopped, and I got a sedentary job behind a desk.  Sure, I have had some success with diets and workout fixations, but in the end, I always gained it all back and more.   I have gained almost 100 pounds since I left for college.  That's 10 pounds a year.  

Even though I don't like to admit it, I know why I keep gaining the weight.  It's not because I can't control what I eat.  It's not because I can't get to the gym.  It's not because I don't know what to do.

It's because in my heart of hearts, I don't believe I deserve it.  I sabotage myself every time I commit to a health or fitness goal.  Those issues are worthy of their own post, but for now let's just say, I crave love from others, but I need to learn how to love myself first.

This year, I am finally saying enough is enough.  I deserve more.  I deserve to be healthy.  I deserve to be happy with the person I see in the mirror and most of all, I deserve the incredible life I have been denying myself.  

I got a Kate Spade Idiom Bracelet for Christmas that says "This is the Year".  Those 4 words have become my mantra.  

This is the year I lose the weight.
This is the year I will learn to be proud of myself.
This is the year I will try new things.
This is the year I will grow my faith.
This is the year I will drink more water and give up soda.
This is the year I will get more involved with my community.

Damn it, this is the year!

Link up with The Biggest Loser: Blogger Edition with me!

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

This is such a great idea! I feel like this post could have been written by me. I can completely feel your pain. I was the queen of fast food and never gained a pound. Now that I'm 26, I feel that my body doesn't shred the weight as easily as it used to. I'm not fat and you'll never hear me say I am, but I am not as skinny as I used to be, or would like to be.

This past week, I signed up for the gym at my office and I'm going today to start! I'm not doing to go on a "diet" or say I'm going to go to the gym 5 times a week, because I'd fail. What I'm going to do is try to eat better whenever possible and go to the gym a few times a week until I start loving it. I'm hoping that's soon! :)

Good luck to you! :)