Most of the time when I write a blog post, it is straight from the heart, but every now and then, I write a post that is more of a self reminder than how I am actually feeling at the time. Monday was one of those days. I play a game with myself. I pretend that I am doing better than I am so that maybe I will believe it.
I've always prided myself on being honest. The only person I lie to is myself and it's for my own good. But the truth is, I doubt if I made the right decision. When you care immensely for someone is it ever the right decision to let them walk out of your life? Its hard to know how life is going to turn out. Did I do enough? Was it all my fault? Am I the problem? These are the questions that go through my head hourly. And then comes the scarier question. Is there someone out there who can love me the way I need to be loved? Could he have been that person if I had given him another chance? Is it in the cards for me? 95% of the time, I am sure that everything happens for a reason. I'm sure that there is someone out there that will want to fight the good fight with me. But sometimes doubt, that pesky thief of joy, creeps in. This is one of those weeks.
I try to keep this blog of mine pretty happy. I try to focus on the good instead of the not so pleasant. But today I just wanted to be a little vulnerable. Today I wanted to acknowledge that I'm not confident sometimes. Sometimes I doubt myself. Sometimes I try too hard and sometimes I don't try hard enough and usually I don't know the distinction between the two until it's too late. Sometimes I tell myself lies about how well I'm doing. Sometimes I make things bigger than they are. Sometimes I give too many chances and sometimes I don't give enough. Sometimes I regret not going with my gut. Sometimes my gut is dead wrong.
Today I am just going to acknowledge that I am in limbo and that that is okay. I'm going to acknowledge that as important as my friends opinions are to me, sometimes they aren't the right ones for me and sometimes they can see things that I don't. Today I am going to acknowledge that I don't have all the answers and hell most days I feel like I didn't even study for the test. The important thing is that I tell myself that all of these things are okay. Things will work themselves out. Things will change. And life, as it tends to do will go on.
How is that for long ramble. I think I even got lost for a bit. I promise tomorrow I will share some pretty pictures or at least something a little less... grey.