I had one of those weekends. A weekend that proved we know how to throw a sophisticated kegger. A weekend that reminded me how important it is to have fun. A weekend that confirmed, that I know some of the best people in the world. A weekend that made me feel more solidarity with my decisions and oddly enough, a stronger sense of self than I have known in some time. A weekend filled with more laughter, sidewalk singing, living room dancing and fun than I have ever had. A weekend that proved to me that sometimes you have to leave something behind to know it's value. It's true, despite the two day hangover, I am practically euphoric.
I told you last week that Tequila Sunrise is a magical time, but it was so much more than just drinking (excessively) with 20 of my favorite people. Strangely, it reminded me how important it is to have balance and that withdrawing is painful but necessary.
You see, I have been really focused for the last year. I have focused almost solely on my career because that was the safe things to do, it was something I could control and feel successful with. Men had left me shattered, friends had let me down and my family was going through uncharted changes. All types of relationships had hurt me and it seemed the best thing for me to do was shut it all out for a while. Some might call it selfish. Some might call it survival. I called it necessary.
I needed to figure out how to fix myself without relying on everyone else to be responsible for my happiness. Mostly though, I didn't know who I was anymore and I needed to figure that out without distractions or expectations to live up to. And slowly but surely, the last year has helped me determine who I really am.
But now, there's a definitely a void. I miss the relationships.
I miss my friends. My hilarious, supportive, fantastic, insightful, crazy, good people friends. I don't think I have ever fully appreciated how valuable friendships are. Whether I have known them since elementary school or we had our first real conversation on the patio this weekend, it has become abundantly clear that I am blessed to know some of the most awesome people in the world (my little world at least). I miss being there for their babies growing up, their boyfriends dumping them or that last minute happy hour. I miss the inside jokes, the reliving of awkward moments and the heart to hearts. I miss my friends.
I miss my family. I miss Sunday morning french toast with my grandfather while we watch Star Wars for the millionth time and trying to keep my grandmother from going on political rants. I miss my silly brothers and sisters and watching them grow. I miss opportunities to strengthen my bonds with my family members. I don't want to miss any of the early years with my siblings or the later years with my grandparents. I miss my family.
I miss having a guy in my life. I miss awkward first dates and that rollercoaster feeling in my stomach when I kiss someone. I miss telling my boyfriend about my day and cooking dinner together. I miss catching that special someone giving me the look he saves only for me. I miss staying up all night talking because sleep seems so much less exciting. I miss taking care of someone in the little ways and noticing the little ways he takes care of me. I miss having a shot at love.
I needed time to just be. Alone. Single. Independent. But I think I'm ready to start finding work/life balance again. I've got the work part covered, but it's about time I spend more time on the life part. I miss the fun. I miss the people. I miss making memories that make life worth living. I'm ready for it all; the good and the bad.
Ha, I bet you never thought a post about Tequila Sunrise would get so deep huh? Well it did, and I'm not sorry for partying, or sorry for the incredible high I have from spending my weekend with great people in a great place. Like I said, I am having friend withdrawals now, but the good news is, I am no longer going to stop myself from getting my fix!