I worry that I will never be completely satisfied with my life. I find it hard to focus on the now, instead I am usually focused on what's next. I worry that this quality makes it hard to be close to me.
I'm afraid of what my life will be once I reach my goal weight. I know that sounds silly, but being overweight is a convenient excuse for a lot. It's easy to pretend people are judging you based on the way you look instead of who you are. What if the person I am isn't very great and I no longer have that excuse to rely on?
I hate feeling forgotten. In so many ways, I feel forgotten a lot. I've always felt like an outsider.
I get jealous of other people's families. People with brothers and sisters their age. People who's parents are still together. People who dance with their dads on their wedding days. I love my family very much, but I wonder what it would be like to have that "perfect family" in the holiday commercials.
I have social anxiety with groups of people. I am usually okay with groups of up to 4, or huge audiences of people I don't know, but put me in a room with 20 people I sort of know, and I turn into a shy awkward junior high version of myself. I have to really pump myself up for these kinds of events.
I think there are maybe 3 people I can say I trust 100% and I suspect that those three people wouldn't guess I'm talking about them.
I don't ever really feel put together. I'm never going to be one of those women with her shit together. My purse will always be filled with random crap, my house, car and person will never all be clean at the exact same time and I will always have a hair out of place or a shirt on inside out or something awry.
One of my biggest fears is that I will never have children.
I've drafted about 10 posts that would make cosmo magazine blush, but I highly doubt I will ever post them. I've even considered starting an anonymous blog just to talk sex, relationships and other taboo things.
I hate being alone in the dark anywhere other than my bed.
I think I am a pretty terrible writer. I'm super envious of writers and bloggers that use big glorious words with ease and paint a picture so poetically that it gives me chills.
I think people see me as a failure for moving back to Arizona- like I couldn't hack it or something. I don't even know if its a true perception, but it makes me annoyed anyway. Even though I'm keeping my job and working remotely and moving back for a lot of really legit reasons, I'm really disappointed that California didn't live up to my expectations. I learned some valuable lessons though and it certainly was just the right adventure my heart needed to repair itself.
I'm afraid I won't ever allow myself to fall completely in love with another person. I question now if I have ever been in love or if I just really wanted it to be love. If it was love, how could it fall apart so easily and whats to stop my battered heart from getting broken again. I literally pray every night that when the right guy come along, I will be able to let my guard down.
I hate going to the doctor because I am convinced they will find something really catastrophically wrong with me.
I haven't posted about #sweatingsexyback in a while because I feel unsuccessful despite losing a few more pounds and inches. I started working with a trainer, so hopefully I will have the urge to write another post soon!
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