1.22.2014

Who I Am Today


I struggle between wanting what some may call a simple life and an extravagant one.  Growing up, I couldn't wait to move out, move on and move up.  I was sure I was destined for big city life and that one day I would end up with an "important job" living in a perfect penthouse.  As I've gotten older, I find the quiet much more appealing.  I like the idea of having a more simple life, in a suburb with big dogs and babies.  I think eventually someday I will settle somewhere in the middle. But I live in constant worry that by choosing one or the other I will somehow miss out.

My biggest issue with growing up has always been trying too hard to fit my title.  I always have a description in my head of what I am suppose to be- A girlfriend, a college student, a sorority girl, a wife, a divorcee, a single girl, am employee, a manager.  It always takes me a while to settle into just being myself regardless of the new title.  It's like when you get to a milestone age and you feel like something should be different about you, but you wake up feeling just the same as the day before.  It's been a real challenge to make sure I define my titles instead of letting them define me.

I thought for a long time I didn't want kids.  I was terrified that I would somehow screw them up.  I don't know when it happened, but one day I realized how utterly unsatisfactory my life would be if I didn't have children.  Suddenly my dysfunctional parenting fear was replaced by the fear of never getting to hold my own sweet baby in my arms.

I am a romantic.  I believe in true, everlasting, mushy, gushy love.  I know that one day I'll catch someones eye and just know.  I'll know "the way you know about a good melon".  But there is a fear that comes into play here too.  A few weeks ago someone told me, "you aren't putting out the flirt with me vibe".  I didn't really know how to take the comment.  After letting the words settle into my head for a bit, I realized my friend was probably right.  I don't know how to fix that.

I'm also a realist.  I believe that love, like all things worthwhile and good, takes work.  I believe that true love, means wanting to strangle each other at times, but always figuring it out.  Love is not for the faint of heart, the quitters or the lazy.  Love is only worthy of those that work to solidify the value of their relationship.  Love is always finding ways to circle back to the feelings you had in the early days of your relationship and giving each other butterflies years down the road.  Love is being patient even when your life feels more like a maze than a merry-go-round.  Love is messy, but in a beautiful way.

I have completely absurd fear including snakes, bones in meat, and E.T., but what I am most afraid of is failure.  I hate feeling let down, but even worse I hate letting other people down.  If I doubt my ability to do something, I would rather not try than fail.  It's a fear I am working on overcoming.

Every single day I spend 15 minutes listening to my relaxation pandora station.  During that time, I focus on all the good that has happened in my day.  It kind of makes me feel like a hippie, but counting my blessings every day has made my life so much happier.  No one wants to hear people complain everyday, including you.

I legally changed my last name to my moms maiden name when I was 18, even though I had gone by her last name and not my fathers for as long as I could remember.  As I was filling out the paperwork, I seriously considered changing it to Ashley America, because I thought it would be fun to be both really patriotic and Miss America every day of my life.

I hate unanswered questions.  If someone asks me a question that I don't know the answer to, I almost immediately whip out my phone and look up the answer.  Before I try something new, I read everything I can get my hands on.  I hate feeling unprepared.  This obsession with knowing everything turns me into a bit of a procrastinator because I spend too much time learning and not enough time doing.

I've recently realized, that I might never know exactly who I am, because who I am is changing all the time thanks to the experiences and the people that fill my life.  So this is just a little glimpse of who I am today.




1 comment:

Elisa Ackley said...

Great post! I can identify with the fear of failure and the need to be prepared; we waste a lot of time I'm sure but it keeps the anxiety down :)