11.30.2014

Beauty in the Breakdown

Obviously I don't come around here often.  I don't know if it is because of lack of time or lack of interest.  Not that I am not interested in writing, or the other bloggers that I have built relationships with, but interest in sharing myself with the world.  For a long time this blog was a way for me to feel understood and feel connected, a way for me to air out my thoughts and get feedback.  Since moving back to Arizona, I either haven't needed that or I have decided to be more guarded.  Part of me feels like, as a business owner, it is my duty to be more of a brand than an individual.  Then again, so many of the brands I am a supporter of stem from a connection to it's owners.  In a lot of ways though, I have become more hesitant to share my inner musings with the world in this space.

But today, I had to write.

Maybe it's because for the first time in my life, I was laid off.  I can't say I am unemployed, because for whatever reason, intuition inspired me to pick up a seasonal job, that I happen to love.  And of course, I still have Your Jubilee.  Somehow, despite all that, part of me feels defeated and a little bit like a failure.  I hate failing.  But who really likes it?

Maybe it's because I am the only single girl left in the world- my world at least.  I am so happy for all my friends who have found great partners.  Their happiness makes me believe that its still out there for me, but also makes me wonder how I will possibly find it.  I'm convinced that traditional dating only really happens to a select few.  After multiple attempts, I'm equally convinced that online dating isn't my thing. I'm not even sure if I want to be in a relationship right now- but maybe that is because it isn't really an option?

Maybe it's because I am teetering at the edge of my emotional threshold.  My grandmothers mental faculties are getting worse by the day.  All my plans for my life hang in the balance thanks to an unsure financial future.  And trying to stay positive about it all is just plain exhausting.

Then there is this whole pressure to be in a certain place in life by the time I'm thirty.   I feel like I have been running at my goals full speed for the last year, only to look down to find I am on a treadmill. In so many ways it feels like I am starting all over from scratch.

Living at home (for good reason, but if I don't find a new job, it will be out of necessity)

Hunting for a salaried job with health benefits.

Single.

It's as if I just graduated from college all over again, except instead just coming off of an amazing summer in London, I am coming off of months of career burnout.  All I want to do is escape. I want to give a hearty embrace to a bit of irresponsibility and take off for a trip around the world, leaving my bills to sort themselves out upon my return.

But irresponsibility has never been in my nature.  I can't ignore my bills, my commitments or the fact that I haven't, in my mind, earned the right to be frivolous.

I suppose all I can really do is rely on faith.  Faith that the universe has something great in store for me.  Faith that in all this breakdown, beauty will sprout.  Faith that everything, even this series of setbacks, happen for a reason.  Faith that if I just continue to approach life from a place of love, love will one day fill my life again.


2 comments:

Sara Bishop said...

Age is just a number, girl! I can totally relate to you, keep the faith!

lewis causey said...

Ashley, my grandmother had both Alzheimer's and Dementia. I was a caregiver to her for about three years. It is a very stressful time to see someone you love go through it. The best thing you can do, I learned is to remember the good times, the memories, and tell her you love her EVERYDAY. The week before she passed, she became very lucid and started eating normally. I was able to tell her I loved her while I was feeding her and she told me she loved me too. Shortly after she passed, but getting to say I love you one last time was a gift that God gave.